Most of the stuff I post on here I find on I Waste So Much Time (because, seriously, it's true) and every once in a while, a gem will pop up. This is one of them.
I feel like this really sums up my year at BYU (at least, so far) and partially in high school. I've really put myself out there, even when the thought of doing so was terrifying. But because I did, I found USGA, I found my friends (who, probably unbeknownst to them, have carried me through much of the year). I found psychological help in the counseling center at BYU, I came out to family, classmates, people at BYU. I've accepted that I have psychological issues, how I got them, and how to cope with them in day-to-day-life. It's terrifying, being honest. Total and complete vulnerability- opening yourself to someone who may strike you down. It's a paralyzing terror, too--makes you regret your courage and the adrenaline surge howling that you crawl back to your little cave of introversion and never leave again.
But it's exhilirating, too. To finally be loved by someone else, someone whom you esteem enough to be with, not someone you're with because you feel you aren't any better, aren't worth any more, that no one else will come along. And there's a constant fear, that you aren't worth enough to be with them, that they'll realize this and leave you for someone more whole. (Or prettier, skinnier, sexier, smarter, happier...) but they're obviously with you for a reason, so maybe there's some scrap of worthiness, right? So you start thinking, searching, realizing, accepting yourself.
And man, is that awesome.
I feel like this really sums up my year at BYU (at least, so far) and partially in high school. I've really put myself out there, even when the thought of doing so was terrifying. But because I did, I found USGA, I found my friends (who, probably unbeknownst to them, have carried me through much of the year). I found psychological help in the counseling center at BYU, I came out to family, classmates, people at BYU. I've accepted that I have psychological issues, how I got them, and how to cope with them in day-to-day-life. It's terrifying, being honest. Total and complete vulnerability- opening yourself to someone who may strike you down. It's a paralyzing terror, too--makes you regret your courage and the adrenaline surge howling that you crawl back to your little cave of introversion and never leave again.
But it's exhilirating, too. To finally be loved by someone else, someone whom you esteem enough to be with, not someone you're with because you feel you aren't any better, aren't worth any more, that no one else will come along. And there's a constant fear, that you aren't worth enough to be with them, that they'll realize this and leave you for someone more whole. (Or prettier, skinnier, sexier, smarter, happier...) but they're obviously with you for a reason, so maybe there's some scrap of worthiness, right? So you start thinking, searching, realizing, accepting yourself.
And man, is that awesome.
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